Thin rays of sunshine pass through the closed blinds and hit my eyes. It must be past noon since my room is on the northwest side of the house and my windows almost perfectly face west. A muffled, yet harsh song plays, Angle by Massive Attack. A dark feeling creeps up to my stomach. Panic sets in. But I lay there motionless. Slowly, I rub my hands down the sheet. I pat down the cover. With low energy, I role over to my side and run my hand down the sheets again. Annoyed I open my eyes, still nothing. Having my eyes open made me hear things better. Isn’t that strange? I thought other senses get strong when you lose one of the senses!
(Well shoot, I guess I was wrong about this too. Like everything else lately…)
There it is! The beautiful piece of junk that’s supposed to be there to help me, yet, it only manages to lead me to things that suck the light out of me. I reach down the side of my bed, my face smooshed against the wall. But I can’t feel it.
(I guess that’s the bright side of this thing that I have. I never feel anything anymore.)
I grab it and start to bring it up. It slips and hits the floor again. I reach for it again, blindly feeling around the carpet till I feel the cold glass on my fingertips again. As that muffled song turns full blast. Such a harsh music yet relaxing overall. I grab it and barely holding on, I pull it up.
(But that’s how I do everything now a days, barely holding on.)
Then it hits me. The panic in my stomach turns to a semi-silent laugh and creeps up to my face. Isn’t this the perfect example of my life!? I grab work, I grab classes, I grab friends, love, fun, happiness and I grab life, like I grabbed this cell phone, with my face smooshed against the hard surface of the thing that I have. It hurts yet I don’t really feet it. But just like this cell phone, they all slips out of my hands and I search and fight for them again and again in the darkness of my life. This dark cloud that never leaves so I could see things clearly. How sad. But it’s okay. It is now all just strings of sadness turned into nothingness. No more pain. No more emotions. No more motivation.
I turn the alarm off on my cell phone. I lay back in bed. On my side. Turn down that brightness of the screen and opened Instagram. As I slide my finger up the screen, new images and clips slide up with it. Look at all these happy people. Look at all the cool places they are at. Look at all the cool things they are eating. Look at all these beautiful, flawless faces and bodies. Look at all the happiness. Just a reminder of what I’m missing. I press the tiny button that pushes me to reality as the screen of the phone turns off.
I close my eyes and suddenly my “happiness’s” come in front of me. The house I’m sleeping in. My Italian bed. My Lexus and my motorcycle in the garage. My brand new cell phone. The list of all the cities, states, and countries that I’ve been to. My loving family and friends. But not even one of these can push the cloud of darkness away. The rain falls. Like always. I wipe the tear that has almost reached my mouth.
This, this thing that I got. This silent and hidden prison that I am trapped in. This kidnapper of my happiness and life stands above me. I am the only one who sees it. I am the only one who feels its grip on me. With a smirk on its face it shoves my head back on the pillow. Leads my hands and pulls the cover over my head as the rain it has brought again wets my pillow.
(I push that panic of “Oh I missed class” out of my body)
I’m not getting out of bed today. Thanks to you my capturer.
(This is what life is now, living with depression)